


The Book of Envy

by MagicalPoptarts



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Death and blood mentions, Diary/Journal, Gen, KH3 spoilers, POV First Person, Takes place during the events of KHx and back cover, chapter 2 takes place after Kh3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 19:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18667078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalPoptarts/pseuds/MagicalPoptarts
Summary: "The master has given us roles to play." - Invi, Diary entry #1, page 1.





	1. Feelings have no place in war

The master has given us roles to play. Why he has done this, I do not know, but I will carry out my role to the best of my ability. I cannot afford to let the man who raised me down. I am to...observe and be a mediator.

I have been told that the master and...my dear friend comrade Luxu will be...leaving us. The master has only spoken hypothetically, but I feel as if he really will disappear.  
What will we do then? Without his guidance?

I’m scared.

____________________________________________

Day I since Luxu has left us.

Ira’s role is to be our leader once the master is gone. Aced is to be his right-hand. These are very good choices I feel, Ira and Aced have always gotten along well. Perhaps a little too well. Ira pretends his feelings for Aced are purely platonic, but I see the way he looks at him when Aced’s back is turned. It’s obvious that Aced feels the same way, but…  
These roles, the purpose the master has given us has made everything so...complicated.

We have to become leaders as well, and avoid alliances. I...I’m sure the others feel the same as I, how… I feel that we must distance ourselves from each other. In order to make sure we are unbiased.

Or at least I must do that in order to be a fair mediator.

It hurts not being able to spend the afternoons with Ava out in the meadows. To speak to Gula about various things throughout the day.  
I cannot enjoy my midnight snacks with Aced as I once did…  
And all conversations with Ira must be strictly business.  
Ira is...my closest friend, so it’s quite a bit harder to distance myself away from him. Especially since he seems so stressed out lately over the book of prophecies.  
His pining for Aced doesn’t help, and honestly…

It makes me miss Luxu already.

 

______________________________________

Day VI since Luxu has left us.

The creation of the Unions has been going well. The children are all very bright and talented. I really so dearly hope that...the prophecy of war is wrong. That...it can be changed by all of us.  
My heart feels heavy and anxiety is beginning to plague my mind, but I need to be strong.  
For everyone.

 

_________________________________________

Day I since Master disappeared.

He’s gone.  
Just like he said…

I am thankful that my mask covers half of my face. Nobody can see me cry because of it.

Aced can read me like an open book as always, Ira’s been...absorbed in the book of prophecies. Aced attempted to comfort me today, but I lied to him and told him that I would be fine. That he should go on ahead and spend time training his union members. He’s such a kind heart… he’s also worried about Ira. I can see it in the way his mouth presses into a thin line whenever he realizes that Ira hadn’t been sleeping. Too busy trying to figure out the book.

Gula has seemed very skittish lately, much like a feral cat.  
Ava’s thankfully her usual self, but she does seem to be going off somewhere lately, probably to train her members. She’s always been very good at befriending others. She’s sweet and kind and easy to get along with.

I wish I could be like that.

 

_______________________________________

Day XIV since Master’s disappearance.

It’s been roughly a fortnight since the seven of us became… only five.  
The sunrise seems duller lately. I wonder if it’s because you’re not here to watch them with me?  
I still wake up early just to watch the morning break through the darkness. It gives me hope, and motivation to collect lux.

I find myself sitting atop the rooves of daybreak town more often than not. Observing. Sometimes I’ll see the children from different unions sparring. It’s kind of adorable, especially when they help each other up after they’ve fallen down.

It reminds me of when I first began training…

I shouldn’t get sentimental.  
I report everything I see and hear to Ira. I must. He is our leader after all, and I trust him to make the correct choices for us all.

 

...I did leave out one thing though. I...accidentally came across Aced with a lover of his. It was unfortunate and embarrassing. I purposefully kept that to myself as to not upset Ira.

Jealousy does not belong here.  
________________________

I have lost track of time…

Ira told us he believes there is a traitor. He showed us a dark chirithy…  
I’ve never seen Aced so...upset before. Especially towards Ira.  
What happened between them? Did - no. No no…  
It’s not my place to speculate.

I just...I must make the situation better. Settle this matter.

________________________

Aced called me to a warehouse. Ava and Gula were already there.

The things he said broke my heart. This...Aced doesn’t feel like our Aced. He’s…  
Aced wouldn’t act like this.

Master please come home.  
Luxu please come home…

I request your guidance and...comfort.

I feel as if I will say the wrong thing. I have...never been good with people. Ava and Aced were always the ones who were so social and well liked.

Aced though...at least, lately… I feel something dark stirring inside him. It scares me.  
Maybe...is something dark stirring inside of me as well? For doubting my friends the way I am?

I shouldn’t think about this, yet I am…

______________________________

Aced’s changed. Ira’s stressed…  
Gula’s flighty - so very flighty…  
Ava and I are worried about them all - but…

Aced’s...so different now. He’s so aggressive and I can’t help but think he’s the traitor because of his behavior… It doesn’t make any sense though! Why is he acting this way!? I am starting to regret my actions towards him…

I want to trust him again.

I can’t.

… Can I even trust Ira or Ava anymore?

_________________________________

I made a mistake.

I let my emotions get the better of myself. I was heated and scared and Ira was panicking as well.

I did the only thing I could think to do at the time.

I gave him my first kiss.

Neither of us were...enthused by it - which, I do not blame Ira - It...did help him regain his thoughts.

I thought of Luxu after.

I thought of...him being my first kiss instead. It’s… uncharacteristic of me I feel to...hold feelings of this sort…

But that does explain why my heart aches so when I think of him. How much I miss him.  
If...if I see him again I want to tell him how I feel.

___________________________

 

Everything hurts.  
Aced, I’m so sorry…  
I’ve driven you to such a breaking point haven’t I…  
We fought in the town, he...I could hear the hurt in his voice - Ava and Gula...I do not wish to say rescued me. They...came to my aid I suppose.

I’m sorry I hurt you so badly Aced. Please be alive...I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry my beloved friend.

____________________________

I’ve failed in my role.

The war is soon… Gula is missing, Aced is…

I don’t know anymore.

Ira told me Aced was alive - but he was walking with an odd sway to him? He was also covered in small bruises.

Did they...did they fight?

I wish none of us had to fight.  
_____________________________

The war can happen any moment. I know it. I...I can feel it.

I do not know if...this journal will survive - nor if anyone will...be alive to read it.

Luxu, if..by some miracle you find this - I…

If I am...dead when you read this, I want to let you know that I loved you. If I somehow survive and get to tell you this in person, I would be the happiest woman. Even if you do not love me back.

Even if it’s only simple words on a page in a long lost book, I wanted to let you know the contents of my heart.

I missed how every morning we’d wake up before dawn to watch the sunrise together. I miss the sound of your voice, your sweet curiosity, the way you and I would enjoy each other’s quiet company in the library.

I’m sorry I only realized this now.

I hope you’re safe. That you’re able to live a long, happy life.

I love you.  
-Invi  
__________________________________

I have to keep the balance. I have to collect as much Lux as I can before...the inevitable.  
I still have some minor wounds from my battle with Aced some time ago - I…

I wish I would learn to think and filter what I wish to say before I say it.

Aced, I’m so sorry that...I accused your heart of being tainted. I was rash and upset and…  
I know I cannot tell you this in person any longer, you are too far gone… like a wild animal. Feral.

My heart hurts. It is heavy, as are my limbs.

Chirithy is my only comfort as of now. His soft fur is...pleasant to touch, and he has been so kind as to let me cuddle him during the nights I cannot sleep without crying.  
I feel so alone and I am filled with nothing but regret for my own actions. For not doing better.

I’m sorry master...I failed you, I failed everyone else as well. You told me to let my heart be my guiding key - but it…  
It is telling me so many conflicting things. Part of me knows Aced was correct, but… I still do not wish to go against everything I’ve ever been taught, everything I know and learned.

I was told to keep up, lest I be left behind.  
I still do not know what I am supposed to keep up with, who, or even how.

I have nightmares often.

___________________________

I snapped at Ava today.  
She accused me of telling Ira where Gula was hiding. I did no such thing.  
We were both at fault for losing our tempers… She’s like a little sister to me though - or at least she was, - I need...needed, I should have been a better role model for her.

A better role model for my union members.

I don’t deserve to be a leader. I’m not good with people. I can’t do this anymore, but I have to pretend I can. I worry every night now that my chirithy may begin to change color - to...become a nightmare.

Darkness feeds on negative emotions like despair, loneliness, anger, and hatred. Are we not succumbing to the darkness with the way we are? Are we not the ones who…  
Guilt.  
Guilt is what I feel. The same name as the darkness that powers our keybearers medals as of late.

Perhaps this guilt is my punishment. The guilt is the weight of all of my sins - our sins. I feel heavy from causing so much strife. I should have done more. I should have listened and...stayed quiet.

I had nobody to go to for advice on anything. Not even my Chirithy would have known what to do.

Darkness really must be eating away at my heart, because all I feel is overwhelming, suffocating loneliness.

I miss my friends, my family - the life we all had before.

Master why did you have to leave? Why did you have to send Luxu away?

Why did you trust me to be the mediator? Did you have so much faith in me?

I must be such a disappointment of not only an apprentice, but as your daughter. Please forgive me master.  
_________________

 

I’m prepared to die.

I have all of my regrets to face tomorrow. I feel that...it is the fated day tomorrow. I can only hope my death will be swift and painless - as...as well as any others who should fall before and after me.

To brandish my keyblade against a fellow wielder, a child no less, is dispicable and...I feel as if I cannot bring myself to do it.

I will go easy on them, outright avoid fighting them if I can help it.

May we all find peace within the halls of Kingdom Hearts.  
____________________________

[The next several pages are stained with blood.]

[There is a message written in blood on the 5th blank page.]

H u r t s  
So r r y.  
……..lo…………..ved……

 

B e  
S a f e Live  
F o r   
S e l f

[A lot of the words are smeared and unreadable. There are streaks and a handprint in the bottom corner of the paper. This was the last entry.]


	2. Reunion thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post kh3 epilogue

Today has been an incredibly turbulent day. I… do not know how to describe this feeling, but I'm positive I should be dead. Yet I am not.

We have been reunited. Mostly.  
Ava is still missing, and nobody knows where the master is, but the master knows where we are so long as luxu has his keyblade.

Luxu...he's changed so much. His voice is so much deeper than before, and… something about what he's done, the story he told us, scares me.  
To have delved so far into the darkness like he has, to have...been submerged in as much darkness as he has, it's worrisome. Is he really the same Luxu? Is he still the boy I loved?

He's taller than me now. My height barely reaches his shoulder. I wanted to hug him when...he confirmed who he was but I refrained. Too many eyes, too many…  
I don't want to believe anything he's said is a lie, but I also find myself wishing he was simply embellishing the truth.

Should I feel disgust in myself for continuing to find him attractive? Even if his body is...was, never his?  
His eyes- eye, are still the same shade it seems. That beautiful sunshine golden color that makes my heart melt under its heat. Despite his scarring, he's beautiful to me as well.

I still haven't gotten around to telling him my feelings. But, with how long it's been, would he even feel the same way? Would he even care? Or has he already moved on…?

He's had countless lifetimes to find lovers and settle down for brief moments.

I shouldn't hold onto a false hope. I need to rationalize, shove my feelings away and move on. After all, I've spent nearly 3 years or so in loneliness whilst I isolated myself and cut off my feelings as best as I could from the others.  
How hard could being alone for a lifetime be?

It's strange of me to wish to pursue a romance anyway. Out of character. I'm the unlovable snake after all. Snakes don't take mates like foxes, leopards, bears or unicorns do. Or even goats and lions.

Sigh.  
I should apologize to myself for saying these things, but I feel that they are true.

 

Regardless, my worries for Luxu refuse to be suppressed. I care too much…

It will be my first night without my chirithy to accompany me. I couldn’t bare to stay in that graveyard any longer, so I...world hopped, until I found a place to stay. It’s an odd world, but it’s...similar to home in a way. The sky is beautiful here, everything is bathed in an orange and crimson glow.

I still think of Luxu.

__________________________

I woke up in a cold sweat. I suffer from nightmares once again, but this time I dream of dying over and over again at the hands of my friends.

Luxu was there watching. Sometimes his face is in utter anguish, others… it’s his new body, his new face...smirking.

It scares me.

I don’t want to see him like that. I don’t want to...believe he’s not my Luxu any longer.

I want him to be mine. It’s selfish, but I want him to love me in return.

I’m afraid of telling him.

_____________________________

I was given a strange object called a “gummiphone”. It appears to be a communication device… Xigbar gave me his number - he input his information as such in my “gummiphone”. I am unsure how to feel about his new name still…

Will he mind If I continue to call him Luxu?

His name is easier to speak. Easier to breathe out when I-

Just in case this journal does not need to know that sort of information.

Regardless, I still feel an ache whenever I must refer to him as “Xigbar”... I don’t like it…

I wonder if he dreams about me speaking his name? If he imagines my lips against his skin, whispering his name into his ear over and over again while w--

I need to stop.

How envious I am of those who can freely express their love. It doesn’t feel fair. But life never is….

_______________________________

He caught me alone today. The sound of my own name coming from his lips in that deep voice of his...set my heart a flutter. I feel as if I’m naught but a teenager discovering her first love all over again.

Not that I really had that sort of phase.

I suppose Luxu really is and was my first love…

Luxu - Xigbar…? He has become very very good at utilizing gravity magic. When he caught - and surprised me today he was upside down on seemingly nothing and it gave me a small shock. His laugh was...lovely.

I think he noticed me blushing because he ended up smirking. A sort of...sultry kind, if I may be so bold as to note.

He seems to plague my thoughts more often than not now.

I still am unsure how to feel about his role in everything, but… I am….allowing myself to follow my heart.

My heart tells me to believe in Luxu.  
_____________________________

My heart is garbage and I want to rip it out from my breast.

I… my feelings keep intensifying each time we meet. He’s… dear light and dark I love him so much. It hurts.

I need to tell him… I want to.

At the very least, I want to hold his hand.  
_______________________________

I never knew kissing….could be like that.  
I never even dreamed it could be like that.

I’m happy.

I feel as if I can do anything so long as I am with Luxu. He has brought a warmth to me that I haven’t felt in years.

I want to kiss him again...


End file.
